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Parenting a Pod Person

Help, I think my Son is a Pod Person

I first noticed there was something different about my son when he was 15 months old. It was really quite accidental that I even noticed. It began with a baby gate blocking the kitchen door. Yes, I was one of those super over-protective Moms with all the safety plugs in the outlets and cords for the blinds safely tied up well out of reach.

Rushing to finish dinner, I neglected to close a cabinet door and soon was startled by the alien sounding screech coming from my son’s healthy baby lungs. Thinking he must have been attacked by an insect or had suddenly experienced a massive heart attack, I leaped over the baby gate, scooped him up in my arms and began to inspect him for the cause of his pain. He continued to screech and pointed to the open cabinet until I finally got the message and closed the cabinet… Silence. I opened the cabinet, stepped away and the screeching began again. Closed cabinet …Silence. Opened drawer, pointing and screeching.. Closed drawer…silence. I had watched a remake of “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” only a few days before and was more than a little freaked by the pointing and screeching.

After inspecting the house and attic for signs of pods, I tucked away my fears and decided this was an important discovery and could be used to my advantage. One, I now had a way to torment my son (yes, I know I’m a bad Mommy, but come on didn’t you ever want to torment your kids after one of those whiny days) and two… it seemed to be a full proof method to get him to stop crying. It worked like this

Billy…. Crying or Whining

Mommy…. Opens Cabinet or drawer, steps away

Billy… Becomes obsessed with open cabinet or drawer, begins pointing and screeching

Mommy… Steps up to the rescue and closes cabinet or drawer

Billy…. Silence.

If this was the only “weird thing” about my son, I’d just say he was a touch OCD, but somewhere around 3 years of age, he began to display other pod person personality traits. It started innocently enough. One particularly busy evening, I noticed Billy happily entranced in a kiddie video and decided to take advantage of his preoccupation by starting a load of laundry. I had barely stuffed the smelly load into the washer when I sensed someone staring at the back of my head and turned to find my toddler grinning oddly up at me. “It’s time to go Ni-Nite” he said in a voice that was a bit to clear for his usual Toddler babble. Indeed it was 6 PM a bit early but I still eagerly agreed and off to bed he went. Within minutes he was fast asleep. For the next two years, he continued announcing it was time for bed at 6 PM. Sometimes, he would just stop what he was doing and head off to bed on his own. It totally freaked me out. First off, he was only a toddler and second off, he couldn’t tell time. How did he know when it was time to go Ni Nite?

At eight, he announced he was going to be a Missionary and would be heading to the Congo when he grew up, at ten he decided he would only wear “Christian” t-shirts (which he still does seven years later). At eleven, he decided we didn’t need TV anymore, I whined and complained but in the end I gave in with the understanding that we would be ordering Netflix.

Somewhere around 12, he started the habit of reading his Bible every morning. That wouldn’t be so odd, except for the fact that he will not eat anything unless he first reads his Bible.

Although he’s athletic, he has no interest in sports. He completed 3rd Grade and 4th Grade at the same time, then asked to be home schooled in 5th Grade. He taught me Algebra when he was in 6th grade then went on to skip 7th and 8th grade and get his GED at age 15 with the highest scores the county had seen in 20 years. I like to tell people I’m a home schooling Mom, but the truth is … he taught himself. Don’t get me wrong, he’s not one of those super genius kids with super high IQ’s. He just has a way of motivating himself.

While all his friends were talking about getting their drivers licenses, Billy chose to focus on a Pilot license. His reasoning is, that he’d rather let someone else drive the car so he can play his PSP on the way to the airport.

He’s now 17, doesn’t smoke, drink or do drugs, has never talked back to me, never played an M-rated game or watched R-rated movies. Is always healthy, except his allergy to ants, brushes his teeth every day and is kind to animals and small children.

Come to think of it, he’s sounding more like a Stepford kid than a Pod person.