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Parenting Kids and the Issue of Death
As a parent of two, one 14 and one 9, I am faced with challenges on a daily basis. However this week has been a monumental struggle to keep a positive influence around our household as we are facing a death in the family. My mother in law, went into the hospital on Friday with severe liver disease, kidney failure and is on her death bed. We knew she wouldn’t last long with her obsessive alcoholism, but her deterioration has come swift and almost unexpected.
We had a chance to visit with Mother in law 3 weeks ago, as she interacted with our children and was a pleasant experience. There usually are not that many pleasant experiences, when you deal with an Alcoholic, but this day was calm and enjoyable.
The 9 year old boy (Mitch) had a great experience, and played with his grandmother, an image and memory I wish to protect and visually maintain. As his grandmother went into the hospital this Friday, Mitch wanted to visit. I had to reinforce the issue that it wasn’t appropriate, and he should remember his grandmother as he saw her just a little time ago. He doesn’t need to see her in the ICU, with tubes and on her death bed. That image could and would haunt him for years.
Just yesterday Mitch mentioned he was sad that he couldn’t see his grandmother and mentioned he didn’t like “seeing” her in the hospital. He had a picture in his head based on eaves dropping and overhearing adult conversations discussing my mother-in-laws health.
I once again had to reinforce, that he didn’t see grandma in the hospital and that he should remember her like she was just a few weeks ago.
The issue is hard, I would not want to traumatize him with the site of hospital ICU room, but I do respect the fact he wishes to see her again or at least one last time. However I have to weigh the issue of his mental well being and additional issues that might result from the hospital scene with wanting to see grandma.
The one thing I can pull on is from my own experience. When my grandmother died, I was about the same age. I was pulled out of class in the 3rd grade and we flew from Virginia to Illinois. There was snow on the ground so it had to be in November, December time frame. I did not do to the “Showing” or “Wake” but did go to the funeral. I think my parents did the right thing and didn’t let me view my dead grandmother, rather let me go to the funeral and say good bye.
Based on that experience and hopefully some common sense, I think I am making the right decision for the 9 year old boy.
It’s a hard one, but one I hope you never have to deal with. Any advice or experience of those who faced a similar dilemma would be greatly appreciated.
2 Comments Received
October 29th, 2008 @4:42 am
I have had a similar experience. My dad died when my daughter was 7 and my niece was 6. The casket was open for the visits before the actual funeral and both girls were there at all visiting times.
My brother was diabetic and, at the end of his life, was very sick and in the hospital many times. My daughter who was between 7 and 9 at the time that he was hospitalized the most did come to the hospital to see him even when he was in a catatonic state and was filled with tubes and wires. He died two years after my dad. Again we had an open casket and again my daughter and niece were there.
My mom died two years after my brother. This time I was dropping my daughter off for my mom to babysit her before taking her to school. This was our daily routine. We found my mom on the kitchen floor where she had died of heart failure. Once again my daughter and niece, now 10 and 11 were at the viewings and the funeral.
I’ve always believed that it’s important for kids to be exposed to all the facts of life, including those that are sad, but inevitable. Both girls miss their grandfather, their uncle and their grandmother.
My daughter has grown up to be a normal young woman and does not appear to have suffered any undue trauma due to seeing her uncle in the hospital or any of her grandfather, uncle or grandmother at their viewings.
It sounds like you son knows that his grandmother is going to die and that he will never see her again. Kids are more resilient than we give them credit for. I think that it’s important that kids see the people they love one last time to say goodbye. You need to talk to them and prepare them for what they might see in the hospital but if you explain that their grandmother is sick and that the tubes and wires are there to help, although it may be hard for them to see a person they love suddenly seem so weak at least they do get to see her to say goodbye before she dies.
Would you want to know that someone that you have known and loved for many years was dying but you are not allowed to go to see them because they are in the hospital? You are accepting of the tubes and wires, and while it may be tough for you to see your loved one like that you still want to spend as much time with them as possible before they go. Maybe that’s exactly what your son is feeling.
October 29th, 2008 @10:18 pm
You know what’s best for your children. I do agree with the previous response that children are more resilient than we give them credit for. I would much rather my children go to the hospital than a funeral home. It would be a good opportunity to explain what really happens in a hospital setting or even have a nurse answer some questions that your son may have. It’s only scary when it’s “the unknown.”
As a child, I saw my great-grandmother in the hospital right before she died. I don’t even remember seeing what was going on around her in the hospital bed. I knew she wasn’t feeling well. But I do remember how glad I was to see her and how much I loved her.
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