Are You Forcing Affection On Your Kids?
photo credit: surlygirl
Do your relatives want to hug, kiss and touch your kids…but your kids sometimes don’t want to? What do you do? Do you force your children to hug Uncle Joe or Nana Betty so as not to insult the adult? If so this is the message you are sending your child:
“The wants and feelings of the adults are more important than your wants and feelings. I, the adult, can tell you what to do with your body.”
This message is subliminal – you have sent the message to the child that even though you might not be comfortable, or perhaps not in the mood to give a hug, you have to because I have said that you need to. This makes a child feel powerless instead of feeling powerful and in control of how they “share” their bodies with others. We know parents don’t intentionally want to send that message but we do it all the time – Check out this scene: (shown in picture from our children’s book above)
Uncle Joe comes to visit and says to his niece, “Come give your Uncle a hug.” She says, “No thanks.” She then instead offers a high 5, knuckle bump, or a premade card, she is polite and assertive, and can even say, “It’s great to see you”. But she gets to decide if she wants to hug, kiss or touch Uncle Joe because YOU the parent have sat down with her and explained that her body belongs to her and she is in charge of who touches her and who she DECIDES to touch. You have just empowered her! You have just taught her about personal boundaries. Imagine having this conversation ongoing from age 3….this skill you have taught your child will be a gift for his/her lifetime.
Why? Children who have a strong sense of self, and have been empowered with personal safety education will not be as vulnerable to a predator in their midst. Giving a child the opportunity to REHEARSE this subliminal yet empowering experience, and to choose when and with whom to share their physical affections with their parents support, sends a strong and important lifelong message to the child. Parents need to tell their children, “You do not have to be blindly obedient just because an adult tells you to do something.”
A child who feels empowered about their body boundaries will become a “hard” target for someone wanting to harm him or her! A gift all parents should give their children. Our new children’s book, My Body is Special and Belongs to ME! Empowers children. Do you want to empower your child? Click the link below to view our children’s book. The beautiful illustrations were done by a 15 year old artist, the daughter of two police officers. The message the book has to offer is through fun not fear, using rhyme, while teaching children that their bodies are special and empowering them that their bodies belong only to them. We also added an extensive parent section so you can feel comfortable continuing the learning. To get your book now and give the gift for a lifetime: www.kidsafefoundation.org/products
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Great article! I also remind kids whose well-meaning parents are trying to make them hug me- ‘You don’t have to hug me if you don’t want to- It’s nice to see you sweet pea-…” and then on to a new topic.
Can you imagine if someone told us as adults, “Come on, hug so-and-so!” That would be so uncomfortable.
This topic reminds me of that wonderful poem by Kahlil Gibran- “Your children are not your children, they are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself…”
I have always felt very strongly about this issue as I used to get forced hugs from a relative I despised. I knew it was wrong for someone to make me hug them- I resisted every time. If only someone in the room had said “You don’t have to hug him if you don’t want to, Katie!” I would have really appreciated that.
I never even thought about how a child might feel being forced to hug grandma or grandpa, their uncle or aunt. I know that I love hugs from my 3 y/o nephew, but sometimes he doesn’t want to hug me and I have never forced him to, but not because of what this article says. I never even considered empowering kids to make their bodies their own, but I will from now on. I just never forced my nephew because I prefer it when it’s HIS idea…that way it’s real and not something done from force!! Good article!
Sometime we as parents want to express how we feel, but we might forgot our children are ready at that moment or what they’re doing. Forcing will not be my choice at all.
I work with children and I get that sometimes where the parents try to make the young child give me a hug but the child is reluctant. I look at the child and always tell them that if they don’t feel like hugging me it’s perfectly ok and to not worry about it. If parents insist I look at the parent and let them know that the child is not comfortable and they don’t have to hug me if they don’t feel like it, then I turn to the child with a smile on my face and I say, “right”? They feel much at ease after that and I change the subject immediately. We need to empower our kids. This is a great article.
Interesting, we do that with our kids all the time. However, my parents always did the same thing with us and I don’t think it caused me any issues. The concept makes sense to me. Maybe I need to look a little closer at myself and see if there’s some truth in it